QUALITY CONTROL

Hey there sagacious reader.  I've often thought what fun it would be to have a job as a 'secret shopper'.  To be paid for sneaking around stores, checking to make sure things were going as planned. But I wouldn't want to watch for theft. That would be depressing and a little bit scary.  Quality control; that's me. I'd much rather check out the employees, make sure they're doing their jobs properly, creating a pleasant, positive experience for the shopper (me). It's what I do anyway so being paid for it would be sweet! 

Now I don't have too many complaints about furniture or clothing stores.  In these places quality control is pretty much self-evident; you get what you pay for.  So if you're going to shop at an inexpensive store, don't expect to get high quality items.  (duh) You'll be disappointed every time.  We'll leave those stores to the secret shoppers looking for thieves and shoplifters. Drug stores also don't concern me much.  Though I suppose checking expiration dates on various medications might be prudent. And if you're going to do that, don't forget to check the food aisles.  I know a little dust never hurt anyone, but yikes!  Who knows how long that stuffs been sitting on the shelves!  

Grocery stores; now there's where quality really matters.  And I am a self-appointed quality control inspector.  I can't help it.  I set out to go shopping and find myself checking out the merchandise, making sure everything looks good. Mostly the produce and meats.  That's where I see most of the problems.  Brand name supermarkets are usually pretty good.  If I find something funky, like moldy tomatoes or green-tinted meat, I just hunt down an employee, haul them over and show em.  The offensive item is promptly removed, I am appreciated for my efforts and I continue on my way.  Problem solved.  No real bite me moments here.  Tiny nibbles, maybe.

There is one store that really needs some serious quality control. This place, which shall remain nameless (so I won't be sued for slander) constantly has nasty stuff on display, and nobody who works there seems to care. And they have attitude!  What's up with that? It's not my fault if their jobs suck and they're underpaid.  Sheesh. No need to take it out on the customers.   

As for produce, I just hate it when I pick up an avocado to check it out (they can be overly ripe or rock-hard and ready for combat) and it squishes in my hand. Or select a bag of salad and see that's it's turning brown (yummy) or starting to liquefy (even yummier).  Or grab a melon and have my thumb sink right in. And of course there's never anything available to wipe off the goo. It's just gross!  

Rotting fruits and veggies are only slightly topped by seeing grey-green meat all packaged up and ready to sell.  Really?  You expect anyone in their right mind to buy it?  Ew, I don't think so!  In what world is that ok?  I hate having to even look at it.  It gives me the willies.  Makes me not want to buy any meat at all!  I mean, really, how can you  trust a store that has that kind of product on display?  It gives new meaning to "Oscar Meyer has a way with b o l o g n a."  Though I don't think green bologna was quite what they had in mind.

There was a time, not too long ago, that I had 8 or 9 packages of steak that needed to go away and quietly die somewhere out of public view.  Of course I couldn't find anyone anywhere. So there I was, trudging around the meat department, steaks stacked up to my chin, looking for someone, anyone, to deal with it. Nothing. Nada. Nobody. Really? Have they never heard of customer service? I think not. When I finally tracked someone down, I headed over with my arms full of gross meat and asked nicely (really) if she would take it away.  I tried to explain that, as a customer, I don't want to see funky, discolored meat; it makes me suspicious. (And I'm pretty sure nobody else wants to see it either!)  That didn't go over very well.  After casting the 'evil eye' my way, as if the disgusting meat was somehow my fault, she just set the meat back down, grumbled incoherently, and went about her business. ~ WoW ~  Well needless to say, I didn't buy any meat that day. The whole thing creeped me out.

Stores need to realize that their customers want to believe that they are getting the best product available. Or at least safe product. And the best product is not usually moldy, decomposing or covered in fruit flies!  And meat should not be green.  (Not even on St Patty's Day!)  And employees should be friendly and care enough to keep the decaying product off the shelves and out of our sight.  Right?

So, to that store and any others like it who don't give a damn about their product or their customers, I say BITE ME!  

THE STREET SWEEPER

Hey there sagacious reader.  I live in a town where the powers-that-be, whenever-that-was, decided it would be a good idea to have the streets of my neighborhood swept twice a month.  Keeps things all nice and tidy.  No crap lying around in the roads besmirching the area.  Keeps the property values up. A win-win situation all around, right?  I don't think so. 

The houses in my 'hood' were built sometime in the 50's and are small, 2 bedroom, 1 bath homes.  A lot of the neighbors have added on to their houses for one reason or another. We have not.  I think our house is still in its original packaging.

When the houses were built they included a 1 car garage.  That was ok because most people had only one car in those days. (There may have been a horse and buggy or two but I can't be certain.)  :-)   I'm pretty sure this neighborhood was built as temporary off-site housing for the marine base right around the corner so I think the builders felt that there was no need for elaboration or extra expense.  (Gee thanks guys!)  

Our driveway is narrow and not terribly long.  So when the street sweeper is due to make his rounds, I need to be sure that I remember to park in our driveway, nose to ass with my husband's car.  Thank goodness I have a small car.  I don't know if two big cars would fit in our driveway.  Maybe if we opened the garage door and drove into all our extra crap that's stored in there; yeah, that could work!

So I either squeeze my car into the driveway, lightly tapping the bumper of my husbands car, park on my front lawn or get a ticket for parking in the street. Needless to say, I squeeze.  Not that I would necessarily mind parking in the middle of my front yard but I have learned from the street sweepers sidekick, the man who wields the ticket book, that parking there is a definite no-no. So, a ticket for parking in the street or a ticket for parking in my front yard. Aargh!

Unfortunately for me the street sweeper heads down my side of the street first.  So if I forgot to park in the driveway, I have to madly scramble to get my car moved in time.  There have been a few times when I've gone out less than appropriately dressed in order to beat the sweeper.  (So sorry innocent neighbors--such a disturbing sight, I know!)  And I think we must be first or second on the list because he always comes early in the morning. It's good for the folks on the other side of the street; they have plenty of warning.  Not fair.  He should switch things up and go down their side first and give us fair warning.  Sheesh!!

I've been ticketed only a few times in all the years I've lived here.  Not bad, I guess.  But I have resented paying every time.  And the last time wasn't cheap.  I think I had to pay around $60.  Yikes!  Just for parking in front of my own house.  Really?  That's just wrong! 

Can't the sweeper just go around me and continue on? Well, that is what he does but then there's the sidekick to deal with.  He doesn't just go around and move on.  Oh no.  He stops and hands out tickets. Butthead.  
(I know, I know, he's just doing his job.  I don't care.  It's a stupid job.)  

So twice a month we get our street swept.  Not all of our street, just the sides. Apparently nobody cares about the middle of the street.  I wonder why. Does crap know better than to gather in the middle of the street? Maybe.  All I know for sure is that I don't like having to remember to move my car to avoid an ugly ticket.  And as I've said before (I think), my memory is but a shadow of its former self.

So to the street sweeper, his sidekick and the city who created them to make my life a little less comfortable than it ought to be, I say BITE ME!

CONGRESS

Hey there sagacious reader. I'll be the first to admit that it's been a while since I've watched the news (so depressing!) and am not exactly current on the mysterious workings of the government. So I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.  Government employees don't get to work until the budget is passed. And they don't get paid for their (involuntary) time off work.  (Well, now that's fair - can I sue Congress for lost wages?) 

There seems to be a lot of back and forth regarding national health care coverage, aka Obamacare. Well, what's new?  (Oh, I know, the name!) This issue has come up again and again over the years.  I think maybe the "people" are interested in some solution to their health care problems. Apparently the democrats are all for it which automatically means that the republicans are all against it. (Surprise!)  And the rest of us suffer.

The bickering between these two parties is never ending. It's like the Hatfields and McCoys have moved to Washington and taken over.  Will the fighting never end? Probably not.  It's bad enough being the laughing stock of the entire world.  (I understand that most countries have national health care coverage and have for years and are managing just fine, thank you.)  But shutting down government?  Really?  That's the best solution they could come up with?  Be that as it may (and surely is) is it really necessary to shut down while these two (parties) duke it out trying to come up with a budget that will please everyone?  Like that's ever going to happen.  Give and take, that's the way the system has always functioned.  Sometimes it works better than others.

Well here's my view on give and take.  Give the government workers their jobs and paychecks; Take the paychecks away from the members of Congress until they get the job done.  Perhaps even dock them a weeks pay for every day that goes by without progress.  (The 27th amendment be damned!) There. Plain and simple.  Let those lofty folk work without getting paid.  Maybe that will motivate em.   Give them the incentive needed to get their asses moving, pass a budget and get us poor folk back to work.  

I have heard that one or two representatives commented on how the 'government worker' should have foreseen this possible situation and set some money aside.  Really?  I would appreciate said representative explaining to me how a family of 4, earning around $35,000 a year is supposed to be able to set money aside.  After paying for housing, food, gasoline, and other frivolous items such as food, there may be a dollar or two left over.  How remiss of us not to set that dollar aside!   

Just because the people in congress make a butt-load of money (around $174,000 annually) doesn't mean that all government workers earn that much (I wish).  Some representatives have been quoted as saying they couldn't do without their monthly pay; they needed the money.  Oh, boohoo; cry me a river. I just wish I could keep whatever part of my taxes goes to paying these people.

So while me and mine are waiting for Congress to get their heads out of their asses and get us back to work so we can pay our bills ('cause someones got to pay em), I have only one thing to say to that august body.  And that is a very well-deserved, heart-felt and adamant BITE ME! 

CAMPING

Hey there sagacious reader.  I wonder, are there any campers out there? Happy campers?  I think I might have been one waaay back in the day. Before I got old and cranky!  Or at least as close to one as I'll ever be.  But I do enjoy the beauty of the great outdoors; the fresh air redolent with the scent of wildlife, the quiet whisper of the wind in the trees, the soft murmur of the water rushing in the streams.  Ah nature, so peaceful, so relaxing.

As a child, I don't remember ever camping with my family. (I know, I know, my memory is shot, but still...)  When we went on vacation we pretty much stuck to civilization. Motels and such on the way to our destination which was always the same.  The Rocky Mountains.  Seems like a camping destination doesn't it?  Ironically, we stayed in a log cabin on my grandparents ranch.  A large, 6 bedroom, 2 bath ranch house of a log cabin.  Very civilized.  At least by the standards of the day. (No TV for the longest time, yikes!)

I do remember one summer evening going with my sisters and some friends out on the ranch to camp for the night. Our (male, of course) cousins came up with the bright idea and talked us into joining them.  I was a bit of a (naive) youngster then and it sounded like fun. And for a while it was. Setting up the tent, making it all cozy with our sleeping bags. Laughing by the campfire.  But when it was time for sleep, things weren't so much fun anymore. Damn, it was cold!  And the ground was hard!  I think I was awake, shivering most of that (long, long) night. Trying not to move 'cause moving let in the cold which promptly sucked all the warmth out of me and my sleeping bag.  That was not good.  Not good at all. I didn't much enjoy it and had no interest in repeating the experience.

Many, many years passed.  Much like child birth, I forgot how painful the experience was so tried again.  That trip was much better.  I was (somewhat) older and (a little bit) wiser and better equipped to deal with the cold nights and hard ground. Being properly prepared for camping can make all the difference.  Not to mention being young and agile enough (I was in my early 20's) to deal with all the hassles.  Though this experience was better than my first, it was still nothing I was excited about repeating.

More years passed.  I got married and had children.  (Why, I still haven't quite figured out--the children part, anyway)  :-)   As money was tight back then, all of our trips included lots of camping with a motel stop here and there to break things up.  Not to mention how lovely it was to take a shower and sleep in a real bed every now and again.  And a chance to eat out!  Not having to cook in the style of my great, great grandparents.  What a treat that was!  

We always planned our trips to stay in National Parks and Monuments or State Parks.  Many of the places we visited were only easily accessible by camping. That was cool. Kept the crowds down.  Neither my husband nor I cared for crowds. That being said, the majority of the people who were our 'campmates' were friendly and good spirited as such people are.  I mean, if you're in a National Park camping, odds are that you are on vacation, right? And who is grumpy when on vacation?  That usually happens on the drive home when your work week is looming and the reality of it slaps you in the face.  

Our first several years of camping we tooled around in a 1978 VW camper van. That was ok.  Made the camping experience much better.  We (I) would carefully select our camping site and my husband would level the van, pop the top and voila!  Done. The cooking gear was all ready stored in the cabinets as was the 'dry' food staples.  The van had a sink and a two-burner stove and could sleep 4 comfortably (somewhat).  Life was easier in the van.

Then my husband decided tent camping was the way to go.  I didn't necessarily agree but there it is.  Tent camping it was.  And life was never quite the same after that.  Camping can be a whole lot of work and the older I got the harder the work seemed to get. Not only was there more work to be done (I hate work) but everything became much more complicated.  Nothing, and I mean nothing was easy.  Even the air mattress which I insisted on-- these old bones were not going to lie on the hard ground; no way, not going to happen--came with its own set of problems. Cooking was a pain in the ass, cleaning up the mess was a pain in the ass, getting dressed was a pain in the ass, trying to keep from smelling like something that died the previous week was a pain in the ass, even going to the bathroom.  Everything!  Now, doesn't camping sound like fun?

Well, what can I say.  Camping, so many 'bite me' moments, so little time.
So for now I give you an overview of my camping experience.  There are many, many more moments to share but I will leave you now with this: Camping is not for the faint-hearted, the infirm or the elderly (unless you have a really nice motor home).  But to tent camping in and of itself, I say a somewhat gentle BITE ME!