THE BLACK CLOUD

Hey there sagacious reader.  Do you ever have the feeling that you are living under a black cloud?  That no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can never escape its shadow?  Well, my entire family is constantly under that very cloud.  Sometimes there is a 'partial clearing' and sometimes there is a 'torrential downpour'. Every once in a great while, and for a limited time only, there is sunshine. But this particular black cloud has a will of its own and hovers over whomever it deems worthy at the time. 

This phenomenon travels around the country stopping here and there to torment one family member or another. From the corn fields of the Midwest to the Pacific ocean and even to the Florida keys, it roams.  Seeking us out; toying with us. We are its personal play thing and like a spoiled child, it has no intention of letting go of its favorite toy - us!  And no matter where we may shelter, it finds us.  And gets its revenge.  I think it's alive; on a seek and destroy mission!  I don't know why. Personally, I think we're a bunch of swell people.  Most of us anyway.  But it shows no particular preference. Just goes after whoevers life is the brightest.  As soon as one of us is able to bask in the sunshine, another will run into troubles of one kind or another.

sheesh - zapped again

What the hell's up with that?  I think it may be a case of "the sins of the father" passed on, etc. So somewhere on our family tree there was a really bad seed.  And that seed fell on fertile ground and grew some nasty roots!  It's created havoc for all of us future generations.  (Gee, thanks ancient, unknown relative.) I wonder how long it will take to lift the "curse" of the black cloud.  How many generations must be sacrificed before it dissipates.  Hard to say. Guess it depends on the severity of the 'crime' of our 'bad seed' ancestor (jerk).  Any thoughts, oh sagacious ones? 

It would be nice to live without being zapped at the worst possible moments.  To enjoy life without waiting for the other shoe to drop.  To get out from under the black cloud. To live like normal people, even if the word normal doesn't quite fit us. We are, as a family, uniquely normal in our own way. Perhaps on the far end of normal but normal none the less. Just ask any of us.   

So there it is. We are constantly chased by our own (diabolical) personal black cloud.  And it is relentless.  And pissed off. And I don't think it's going anywhere anytime soon. Obviously it's the price we pay for -- for what?  Don't know. And the 'bad seed' ain't talkin. 

And to this nasty black cloud that persecutes me and mine and to any black clouds that may be hovering over you and yours with evil intentions in mind, I say BITE ME!

FLEAS

Hey there sagacious reader.  I like to think that all creatures have some purpose in life even if it is only as part of the food chain.  I mean we all have to eat!  

Lots of critters help with the environment by pollinating and thereby propagating plant life.  Some help fortify our soil.  Others keep different species in check so we aren't overrun by say June bugs.  (Yuck)  But fleas?

Fleas have no discernible value; no reason for being. Other than as a blight on my cats' lives and subsequently, mine.  Maybe something (other then my pets) eats them thereby making them somewhat beneficial, but I don't know. What I do know is that when my cats eat them they end up with a bad case of worms.  Really?  How rude is that?  Instead of being a food source for my cats, which is exactly what the nasty little fleas deserve for jumping (uninvited and unwanted) on them and biting them mercilessly, the flea instead carries some kind of worm "cootie" that leaves the cats spitting fluffy white rice pellets out of their asses!  Those 'particles' would be worm segments that only resemble white rice but (I'm sure) aren't nearly as tasty.
Tapeworm.  Gee, thanks a lot flea.

Now my cats have worms.  Oh yay.  A trip to the vet for shots, listening to the cats yowl all the way. That sounds like fun.  Or buy the pills and stuff em down their throats.  Even more fun.  Trust me, if you haven't had the pleasure of feeding pills to a cat, you are missing out! Cats aren't like dogs. You can't just coat the pills in something tasty, like peanut butter (amusing) or a piece of lunch meat, and offer em up as a treat.  Dogs are all over that. Slurrp, gone.  It's that easy. Cats? Not so much. At least not mine.

Last time my cat, Zack, had worms it took me a while to get the pills down him. He, of course, required 2 pills (stupid cat - love you).  The first one wasn't too bad.  I was able to sneak it in amid pets before he knew what was happening. Ah, one down, one to go.  Well, he was having none of that. I couldn't get within 6 feet of him for about an hour.  I felt a bit like public enemy #1 the way he way eyeing me whenever I came in a room.  I was finally able to corner him in my bedroom closet.  After about 5 or 6 gooey attempts, success was mine!  I tried not to think too much about the pill slime glued to my hand.  I'm pretty sure I got at least two thirds of it down Zack.  Typically cat, he didn't understand that the pills would make him feel better.  But being infested with worms?  How good can it feel to have worms living in your intestines, squirming around hungrily, helping themselves to whatever you've eaten until you poop em out?  Or at least parts of em. 


But to him, I'm sure the cure felt pretty much like torture. Imagine being held down and having something seriously gross-tasting shoved down your throat. And then being forced to swallow it!  Not nice. Not nice at all. I commiserate, Zack.  But it had to be done.

So.  Worms.  Fleas and worms.  I guess I'll have to make the big decision. 'Yowling cats' car trip, hmm.  Stuffing pills down uncooperative throats, hmm.  Choices, choices.  Stupid fleas.  What the hell good are they?  To fleas everywhere who bite my pets and yours, who carry a multitude of nastiness (worms included) I can only say, back at ya and BITE ME!

THE CARPOOL LANE

Hey there sagacious reader.  Here, in my part of the world, we have what are called Carpool lanes.  The purpose of these lanes is to alleviate traffic on our overcrowded freeways especially during 'rush hour'.  The problem being that here in Southern California 'rush hour' usually runs from around 6 in the morning until 7:30 or so at night. Be that as it may, the basic idea behind these lanes is a good one, encouraging people to take just one car instead of two or possibly three, thus reducing traffic as well as air pollution. 

So if you don't mind sharing a ride with other folks, you are rewarded with your own lane.  This allows you the pleasure of speeding by the other cars, those 'solo' drivers who are stuck crawling along at a snails pace; and the satisfaction of knowing that you are in some small way helping the world and getting to wherever you are going faster.  What a great idea, right?

For the most part, these lanes have intervals where you can "legally" enter or exit the lane as needed. These intervals consist of the 'dotted lines' that you would find on any road.  When entering or exiting is prohibited, double yellow lines will let the driver know this in no uncertain terms.  Always assuming, of course, that the driver is not an idiot.

I recently got back from a camping trip (yikes!) with my family in which we traveled through most of L.A. using the carpool lane.  I will admit, I didn't feel right about that even though there were four of us in the car.  We were going to the same place, yes; but we wouldn't have driven two cars to get there. No way, no how, wasn't going to happen.  So to me that was kind of cheating. But since we were following the 'letter' of the law (if not the intent), I was overruled.  That is an argument I have yet to win.

At one point, somewhere in L.A. (to me, everything north of Orange County and south of Magic Mountain is L.A.) an older model Toyota zipped into the Carpool lane in front of us.  Can't say as I blame the driver; her lane was at a dead stop.  But still, she was alone and was not supposed to have access to the Carpool lane.  I felt slightly miffed.  I think I wanted to take the guilt I felt for traveling in that lane and put it on someone who deserved it more. How adult of me, right?  However, she did enter illegally (across double yellow lines) which is a no-no; and she was alone which was an even bigger no-no.  I guess she really didn't want to wait.  Must of been in a big hurry cuz by doing what she did, she was looking at the possibility of a moving violation as well as a hefty fine.  Minimum fine for driving solo in the Carpool lane here in California will cost ya $481.00.  Think about that!  (Crazy lady) 

Anyway, a mile or so further on I noticed (as did she) a Highway Patrol car stopped in the center divide right next to our lane.  So close I could have reached out and touched him.  (Well maybe not that close.) The officer had just finished up with something and was moving toward his car.  I was kind of hoping that he would look up and see the lady (riding solo) in front of us and go get her (sorry, ma'am) and thus justice would be served.  But no. (damn) 

Just at the very moment we passed in our 4-Runner, he glanced up from his clipboard and stared right at us. Thankfully we were obeying all traffic laws. But one second earlier and "she" would have been the object of his scrutiny. Timing, apparently, is everything. 

I glanced back as we passed him then looked forward to see the lady in the Toyota swerve quickly out of the Carpool lane and back into regular traffic, once again crossing double yellow lines.  And seeing how traffic in that lane was barely moving, it's a miracle she made it over without hitting anyone. Wow, such balls!  As we passed her, I noticed her head cranked around at an uncomfortable angle staring back.  I'm sure she was trying to see if the cop had spotted her less-than-legal moves.  I think that if we hadn't been where we were (stupid SUV), he would have seen her.  But our (huge) car blocked his view. (Again, damn) Petulant of me, I know; but there it is.  I just hate it when people get away with that kind of crap.  Unless, of course, it's me  :-)

That was the last I saw of the lady in the Toyota. I'm sure she made it safely to her destination and I would be willing to bet that she drove the rest of the way sans the use of the Carpool lane.  To her I say, You are one lucky lady. In future, when alone, stay out of the Carpool lane.     I mean, really, the sign couldn't be any more clear.

And to all those other 'solo' drivers who dip in and out of the Carpool lane, in willful disregard of the law; and to those who impatiently zip in and out, illegally crossing double yellow lines in their hurry to get ahead of everyone else, I say BITE ME! 

THE ROAD TRIP

Hey there sagacious reader.  For me there are basically two types of road trips.  And they couldn't be more different.  For example, there is the trip that is taken at a leisurely pace:  stopping here and there, checking out historical sites or points of interest; a destination in mind, yes, but in no particular hurry to get there. Ah, sooo relaxing.  Just cruising along, taking time to stop and smell the flowers along the way.  Very stress-free. Back in the day we had an old VW camper van so we drove the back roads mostly. We couldn't really go fast anyway so we figured what the heck?  The up side is that you get to see lots more cool stuff on the back roads.  And there's less traffic too, so no horrible traffic jams, no 'me-first' drivers cutting in and out of the lanes.  Just peace and quiet.  (If you ignore the squabbling kids in the back seat.)

These types of trips were 'the norm' when taking a family vacation with my husband and our kids.  And our dogs, too.  These happy vacations were mostly camping trips so of course our dogs were invited. They had the best time cruising along, hanging their heads out the windows, gums flapping in the wind, slobber trailing out behind them.  I don't know which they enjoyed more, the ride or the camping. I just know that they loved it and probably got more enjoyment out of the camping part than I did!  

And having the dogs along for the ride also meant a lot more stops.  At least kids (somewhat) understand the meaning of "Can you hold it?  We'll stop soon." Dogs, not so much.  We always knew we were in for the long, slow haul so chose the scenic route to get there. Why not?  But, all in all, I did enjoy those trips with my family. They hold good memories.  No 'bite me' moments here.



Then their is the other type of road trip.  The one I like to call the 'hurry up and get there' trip.  There is no time for unnecessary stops, no patience for cruising along slowly enjoying the view. Uh-uh.  Not happening.  Just jump in the car, strap on the belt, pedal to the metal; next stop:  My Destination.  I am usually alone on these trips but not always.

Most people would say I am fortunate to have family living in Las Vegas and I suppose I am.  I pretty much grew up there so the town does not hold the same appeal for me as it does most people.  But I do like to visit as often as I can.  And when I do visit, I like to get there as quickly as possible. When I am driving on my own, I can take the usual 5 to 5 1/2 hour trip and turn it into a 4 to 4 1/2 hour trip depending on traffic. That's because I don't mess around.  It's just "Get out of my way, people, here I come!"  Ya see? Hurry up and get there.  

I try to cut back on my coffee intake in the morning so I don't have to make a pit stop though this rarely works. Most times I only make it about 20 miles or so before I have to stop (damn). I have my favorite place all scoped out.  I always stop there on my way to Vegas and use the 'facilities' and then make myself a yummy coffee creation.  I figure I deserve the treat and since I all ready had to stop, I should be good the rest of the way.  And it's worked out so far.  Although one time it was a very close call.  I could barely walk when I arrived.  Yikes!

Anyway, I like to barrel along the 15 and only allow myself to drive 5 miles or so over the speed limit.  And let me tell you, that's not easy!  But I don't want a speeding ticket.  I'll leave that for the other guy.  The one going 90 or better.  (In my heart I'm right there with em, but in reality and on the road I'm more sedate.)  Not only do I not want to pay whatever a ticket costs these days or have it mess with my driving record but I don't want to waste my time.  Again, it's that hurry up and get there thing.

Now, if you're not familiar with traveling the I15, I'll just say that there is a long section of road between Barstow and Baker that has only two traffic lanes each way (bummer).  The Highway 'Powers-That-Be' have been working on widening this road for years and I may still be alive by the time it's actually finished.  I don't know; I wouldn't bet on it.  

Most times these two lanes flow along haphazardly with gaps in the traffic here and all bunched up there.  Makes about as much sense as a rose-scented fart. But there it is. Another of life's little mysteries.

The most annoying thing about this section of the freeway is that invariably there will be some idiot who does not have the good sense to get the hell out of the way.  You know, the driver who thinks that it's ok to move into the left lane because he is going maybe a half mile an hour faster than the driver in the right lane.  Really?  Doesn't he see all the traffic building behind him? Can't he go just a hair faster to get by the slower (just barely) driver and move back over? Does he not feel the kiss of the bumper from behind? Do pigs fly?  The answer to all is NO. Obviously not. At times like this I wish I was driving a tank. That would take care of the problem quite nicely! 

But the absolute worst part is even when I manage to finally get by that particular obstacle (asshole) there's another looming ahead.  And the whole, ugly process repeats itself.  It begs the question, Who made these people?

Personally, I know how to drive right; fast and furious.  (Having a dad who was a race car driver certainly didn't hurt.)  The thing to do is speed up.  As much as it takes, whatever it takes; then move over.  And if you must, slow back down.  Simple.  Keeps things flowing smoothly.  And you don't have a bunch of angry people trailing behind you.  And in the end, makes for a much better road trip.

But to those people who do not know how to drive properly on the freeway; who do not know when to get out of the way and stay out of the way; who leave all the other drivers with no (legal) choice but to meekly follow behind, I say BITE ME! 

A COSTCO SHOPPER

Hey there sagacious reader.  I don't know about you but I do a lot of my 'bulk' shopping at Costco.  I think it's more cost effective than buying the same items at regular stores and I don't have to buy them as frequently. And that works for me! Shopping has never really been one of my favorite things to do. I know that's a bit unusual but there it is.

On a recent trip to Costco I had more stuff to get than usual.  My fault.  I let things slide; putting off til tomorrow what I didn't want to do today sort of thing.  So I had a full shopping cart that I was maneuvering as best I could. And it was actually a decent cart - didn't make left hand turns on its own as some tend to do.  No wobbly wheels either.  And quiet!  But it was heavy.

One of my favorite parts of Costco shopping is the "free" lunch that's available.  I try to plan my trips so that I can take advantage of all the yummy offerings that are provided. Sometimes I actually buy the products that are being demonstrated. Depends on how hungry I am as well as how tasty they are.

The 'munchies' run the gamut from breakfast through lunch and dinner and sometimes (if I'm lucky) even dessert!  If I find an item particularly tasty, I will admit that I have been known to circle around and approach the same station from a different angle.  I like to think that this confuses the worker in charge and that they won't recognize or remember me.  I do have this niggling fear of being singled out (loudly & repeatedly) and scolded for snagging more than my fair share of whichever goody had me sneaking around for more.  I am happy to report - So far, so good.

So, on this particular trip, as I am pushing my cart along the refrigerated aisle, I spy a small line forming in front of a station displaying a really delicious looking (and new to the store) chicken burrito.  I contemplate the line (not too many people ahead of me); check out my cart for perishable (all good there); decide I have time, nothing in my cart that can't wait; and start to move closer.  I am definitely interested in trying this new item.  It looks good, smells good, and I'm hungry!

Then, just as the lady was putting the tray of burrito samples down for us patiently-waiting shoppers to enjoy, a woman comes barreling over and scoops up a sample. Just like that.  No waiting in line for this particular shopper. Uh-uh. No direct eye contact with anyone who was waiting in line either.  Just moves up, bold as you please, snags a treat and thunders off. Ballsy move.  And rude.  Yep, definitely rude.  

None of us were going to challenge her though.  She was a large woman. And kind of scary looking in a hardened, 'I kill people for a living' sort of way. I'm not even sure she was a real shopper.  She had no shopping cart and no items in hand.  I don't know. Maybe she was just there for the free food. Or on some kind of secret mission - maybe as a "Mystery Sampler". Or maybe she was there to take someone out.  If so, I'm just glad it wasn't me!

Now that I'm home and out of (possible) harms way, I would like to declare to that woman who so rudely forced her way in and snatched what should have been my delicious burrito sample, BITE ME!