THE GROCERY STORE

Hey there sagacious reader.  I have shopped in several different stores over the (many) years and have discovered that most of them do certain things that annoy me.  There are 3 things though that really drive me crazy.  First is what I like to call 'coupon confusion'; second, 'no shelf left behind' and last, 'the price is (maybe) right'.

'Coupon confusion' is an ad in the (junk mail) store's flyer that comes in the mail every week.  I'm sure you know what I mean. Doesn't matter where you live - we all have our own brand of junk mail, don't we? Recently I saw an ad for coke and I needed to replenish my stock.  I love my coke!  (Cola, people, relax)  :0 Anyway, the ad wasn't particularly specific, just said something about 'selected varieties'.  So off I go to the store hoping to pick up a nice variety of my favorite drink. When I walked in, there was a large stash of coke piled right inside the front door.  You couldn't miss it.  However, there were only two kinds displayed there.  Diet coke, regular coke.  Hmm. What? That's it?  Not much of a variety in my opinion.  

I started my regular shopping and figured I'd ask an employee about it when I saw one.  I did see a manager and asked him.  He was not helpful (and a little cranky about it, too!)  He pretty much just pointed at the pile and went about his business.  He must have been busy cause I don't usually have customer service problems at that particular store.  Well, I decided at the last moment to take a look at the soda aisle itself to see if I could find clarity there.  Big mistake.  Their stupid "special" tag was placed here and there below many different varieties but there was nothing conclusive about what exactly was on sale. When I asked another employee they just shrugged, smiled sheepishly and said to ask the manager.  Been there, done that.  Not helpful.  

By this time I'm feeling majorly cranky and decide to just stick with the obvious and buy what's available at the front of the store.  I know for sure that coke is on sale.  I wasn't happy about it (to say the least) but didn't want to grab the wrong thing, wait in line, have the clerk ring up the higher price, have to tell her "nope, don't want it", go back and grab the sale item, thus pissing off all the people waiting in line behind me.  Ya know?  I didn't want to be "that person."  So instead, I took my frustration out on the poor clerk.  (So sorry, couldn't help myself!)  Not her fault, I know.  And she was really nice.  

Now, this whole ugly thing could have been avoided if they had been more explicit in their coupon.  Just name the damn varieties in your ad!  How difficult is that?  

On to 'no shelf left behind'.  This phenomenon occurs when the store runs out of a product that should be on the shelf.  Instead of leaving the space empty so shoppers (like me) can see that they are temporarily out of said item, the store puts other product, usually its neighbor, in its place.  I don't like it. Drives me nuts!  When I shop for a particular thing and I don't see it on the shelf, I automatically look to see if its 'sticker' is still posted.  This way I know whether or not they still carry the item.  If I see the 'sticker' I think maybe there's one or two items still there, maybe way in the back. Why there's other crap stocked there, I don't know.  

I was told that it was "store policy" not to have a blank space on their shelves.  Makes em look incompetent or something.  Really?  Who cares? Well, having other product in the space where my product should be doesn't work for me.  Like I said, there may be one or two of my item back there and I have to look. Once or twice I actually have found what I was looking for.  So there is always hope.  As tempting as it is, I stop myself short of chucking the unwanted item on the floor in my desire to find what I want.  I do shove things around a bit, even checking in the back of the adjacent rows.  I can be quite messy at times.  Not my fault.  It all could be avoided if they would just leave that space blank.  (Right?)

Now as for 'the price is (maybe) right', what can I say?  I really hate not knowing what an item is going to cost me.  How hard is it to price things?  I miss the 'good old days' when stores stuck a price tag right on the item. You always knew what you were going to pay for something.  No ugly surprises.  Nowadays it's a crap shoot.

When you're shopping you ought to be able to grab whatever you want, comfortable in knowing what the cost is going to be.  You shouldn't have to guess.  Or hunt down an employee to ask (which would then entail waiting around for them to find out).  Or search for an in-store scanner. (Really?  What's up with that?)  A bar code doesn't tell me anything. Now if they put the price on the bar code, that would work.  But do they?  Of course not. 

The prices should be right there; upfront and center. And if not?  Well, I have my own ideas about that!  My version of an effective 'store policy'.  I think that if you can't find the price of an item either on it or anywhere in the immediate area, it should be free.  That would teach em. After all, give away enough stuff and the stores would wise up. Get their shit together, make sure their products are priced out and make life a little easier for us shoppers. 

So there you have it.  My favorite grocery store gripes.  I'm sure some of you readers out there have run across similar situations where you live. And it must make you at least a little bit cranky. (Even if you aren't an old bird!) If so, then perhaps you will join me in extending to these stores a long overdue and much deserved BITE ME!

THE LAZY SHOPPER

(A nod to Poo)

Hey there sagacious reader.  I'm probably one of the few ladies out there who doesn't like to shop.  I find it tedious and usually boring.  It's a chore. There may be once or twice a year that I get in the mood to shop.  But that's it.  

That being said, I am for the most part, a courteous, friendly shopper.  I have no problem striking up conversations with people I don't know.  Helps pass the time and make the (dreaded) shopping experience a little more pleasant. If I see something out of place, I've been known to 'tidy up' and put things back where they go.  This applies to all kinds of different places; grocery stores, clothing stores, drug stores.  I don't have a problem in furniture stores.  Things in those places pretty much stay put.  Stay right where they ought to be.  But the rest of em?  Not so much.

When I do drag myself out to go shopping, I just want to 'get er done'.  I don't want to spend any more time than I have to.  In and out.  Quick and painless.  But the "quality control" freak in me is always lurking in the back of my mind; ready to spring into action. If I'm in a clothes store and I see a shirt lying on the floor, I will pick it up and put it back on the rack.  Why not? I don't know why it's down there in the first place.  I'm pretty sure it started out on a hangar.  So, some rude, thoughtless person, mauling the clothes, knocking things off the rack; leaving them on the floor just begging to be stepped on and ruined. What? Too lazy to bend over and pick it up? Couldn't see it there?  Did your tummy get in the way, blind you to what was lying at your feet?  

Dropping clothes on the floor, flinging shoes around, leaving a roll of paper towels in the middle of the cat food aisle, that I can deal with.  Rude but bearable.  But leaving ice cream in the bread aisle, a package of pork chops in with the condiments, a gallon of milk nestled among the canned goods? That ain't right!  Who does that?  Surely you, my loyal readers, wouldn't do such a thing.  (Would you?)  It's rude.  And lazy?  Duh.  

How hard is it to put the perishable products (at least) back if you change your mind?  Which is an oddity in itself.  Why would you pick up something like meat or milk and then change your mind?  Is it a financial thing?  Did you suddenly remember that there wasn't enough money to pay for everything and decided you needed canned corn more than you needed milk?  It's a conundrum.

So there they sit; unwanted and forgotten--temperature rising, slowly melting. Nobody's gonna buy em now.  I mean, ewww!  Possible food poisoning, anyone?  So here this (rude) person has wasted what was once perfectly good food.  And why?  Because, for whatever (unacceptable) reason, they were just too damn lazy to put it back! Though you'd think they'd at least have told someone!  And in a timely fashion.  But who knows?  Maybe they're too embarrassed or more likely, too lazy to look for someone.  

So now the store has incurred losses and will feel the need to make up for that.  And we all know who ends up paying for it! Thanks so much, you stupid lazy cow, whoever you are.  (I'll bet that's your shopping cart I see left in my parking space, hmm?)  If you can't walk your ice cream, meat or milk back, I'm sure your shopping cart has NO chance of being returned to one of the (usually) convenient corrals. I mean just think of all that unpleasant exercise!

So to you, (and you know who you are) for your rude behavior, thoughtless attitude and unbelievable laziness, I say BITE ME!
  

THE RUDE DRIVER

Hey there sagacious reader.  Around these parts, people exhibit a lot of rude behavior on the road. I'm sure that normally they are nice, respectful people. Until they get in their cars. And then? It's like something snaps when they get behind the wheel.  It happens way more often than it should.  At least where I live.  Everyone is always in a hurry; or worse, driving way too slow. (Style crampers, that's what I call the slow ones.)

Something happened yesterday that I fInd particularly rude. It's not the first time it's happened and I'm absolutely positively sure it won't be the last. Not unless everyone gives up driving that is. (And wouldn't that be nice?) I will admit, it provoked a tiny bit of road rage in me (it always does) which I successfully (somewhat) stifled.  It was a proud moment.

I was (as usual) on my way to the store to pick up a few things. I was in a pretty good mood, feeling relaxed and mellow.  No anger issues.  Not even a tiny bit cranky. Just wanted to get to the store, get what I needed and get home.  Piece of cake. 

From where I live the quickest and easiest way to the store is via the freeway. Strange maybe, but true.  Friday afternoons around here are a nightmare for travelling.  Heading south, which is the way I needed to go, is always jammed full of cars; people heading who-knows-where to do who-knows-what.  Happens every Friday.  Saturdays too.  I have no idea why, but there it is.

Heading up the on ramp to squeeze my way into the south-bound traffic is always a challenge.  Yesterday wasn't too bad.  Not as many cars as usual. I was speeding up, checking my mirrors, glancing over my shoulder, checking traffic like the good and polite (mostly) driver that I am.  There were several cars behind me and I was also well aware of them.  I threw on my left-hand turn signal, checking for a break in the traffic, still keeping an eye on my mirrors.  And my moment came.  A slight break.  Just as I was getting ready to merge over, the car behind me (no blinker) moved over.  I was thinking of moving over myself; there was still enough room.  But before I could finish that thought, the guy hits the gas, speeds up and blocked me.  Really, dude?


I tell ya, for a very brief moment there I considered moving over anyway.  I had the right of way. I was in front, indicating my intentions by using my blinker so that ass knew I wanted to move over.  And if I had, (and I could have, easily) he would have hit me from behind.  And in this state that would make the accident his fault.  Now I don't always agree with that particular law but in this case?  Bring in on!

I mean, how rude is that?  I don't know what that idiot was thinking. Any rational person would have known what my intentions were.  My blinker was on, that's a pretty good indicator. Most folks know the purpose of blinkers.   Maybe he was just in a hurry.  But cutting me off like that didn't save him more than a second or two at best.  And here, on a Friday afternoon, he wasn't going to get very far before he hit the bumper-to-bumper traffic. (Ha!) So, what did that extra second get him? Nothing. Nothing but a pissed off me. Not a pretty picture. And he ruined my perfectly good mood. (asshole) 

This type of behavior begs the question: Is he just rude or does he have his head up his ass?  I will let you, savvy readers, be the judge of that.  For me, I have only one thing to say to that guy and any others like him who are lurking out there on our roads, just waiting for the chance to cut us off.  And that, as you may have deduced, is BITE ME!

QUALITY CONTROL

Hey there sagacious reader.  I've often thought what fun it would be to have a job as a 'secret shopper'.  To be paid for sneaking around stores, checking to make sure things were going as planned. But I wouldn't want to watch for theft. That would be depressing and a little bit scary.  Quality control; that's me. I'd much rather check out the employees, make sure they're doing their jobs properly, creating a pleasant, positive experience for the shopper (me). It's what I do anyway so being paid for it would be sweet! 

Now I don't have too many complaints about furniture or clothing stores.  In these places quality control is pretty much self-evident; you get what you pay for.  So if you're going to shop at an inexpensive store, don't expect to get high quality items.  (duh) You'll be disappointed every time.  We'll leave those stores to the secret shoppers looking for thieves and shoplifters. Drug stores also don't concern me much.  Though I suppose checking expiration dates on various medications might be prudent. And if you're going to do that, don't forget to check the food aisles.  I know a little dust never hurt anyone, but yikes!  Who knows how long that stuffs been sitting on the shelves!  

Grocery stores; now there's where quality really matters.  And I am a self-appointed quality control inspector.  I can't help it.  I set out to go shopping and find myself checking out the merchandise, making sure everything looks good. Mostly the produce and meats.  That's where I see most of the problems.  Brand name supermarkets are usually pretty good.  If I find something funky, like moldy tomatoes or green-tinted meat, I just hunt down an employee, haul them over and show em.  The offensive item is promptly removed, I am appreciated for my efforts and I continue on my way.  Problem solved.  No real bite me moments here.  Tiny nibbles, maybe.

There is one store that really needs some serious quality control. This place, which shall remain nameless (so I won't be sued for slander) constantly has nasty stuff on display, and nobody who works there seems to care. And they have attitude!  What's up with that? It's not my fault if their jobs suck and they're underpaid.  Sheesh. No need to take it out on the customers.   

As for produce, I just hate it when I pick up an avocado to check it out (they can be overly ripe or rock-hard and ready for combat) and it squishes in my hand. Or select a bag of salad and see that's it's turning brown (yummy) or starting to liquefy (even yummier).  Or grab a melon and have my thumb sink right in. And of course there's never anything available to wipe off the goo. It's just gross!  

Rotting fruits and veggies are only slightly topped by seeing grey-green meat all packaged up and ready to sell.  Really?  You expect anyone in their right mind to buy it?  Ew, I don't think so!  In what world is that ok?  I hate having to even look at it.  It gives me the willies.  Makes me not want to buy any meat at all!  I mean, really, how can you  trust a store that has that kind of product on display?  It gives new meaning to "Oscar Meyer has a way with b o l o g n a."  Though I don't think green bologna was quite what they had in mind.

There was a time, not too long ago, that I had 8 or 9 packages of steak that needed to go away and quietly die somewhere out of public view.  Of course I couldn't find anyone anywhere. So there I was, trudging around the meat department, steaks stacked up to my chin, looking for someone, anyone, to deal with it. Nothing. Nada. Nobody. Really? Have they never heard of customer service? I think not. When I finally tracked someone down, I headed over with my arms full of gross meat and asked nicely (really) if she would take it away.  I tried to explain that, as a customer, I don't want to see funky, discolored meat; it makes me suspicious. (And I'm pretty sure nobody else wants to see it either!)  That didn't go over very well.  After casting the 'evil eye' my way, as if the disgusting meat was somehow my fault, she just set the meat back down, grumbled incoherently, and went about her business. ~ WoW ~  Well needless to say, I didn't buy any meat that day. The whole thing creeped me out.

Stores need to realize that their customers want to believe that they are getting the best product available. Or at least safe product. And the best product is not usually moldy, decomposing or covered in fruit flies!  And meat should not be green.  (Not even on St Patty's Day!)  And employees should be friendly and care enough to keep the decaying product off the shelves and out of our sight.  Right?

So, to that store and any others like it who don't give a damn about their product or their customers, I say BITE ME!  

THE STREET SWEEPER

Hey there sagacious reader.  I live in a town where the powers-that-be, whenever-that-was, decided it would be a good idea to have the streets of my neighborhood swept twice a month.  Keeps things all nice and tidy.  No crap lying around in the roads besmirching the area.  Keeps the property values up. A win-win situation all around, right?  I don't think so. 

The houses in my 'hood' were built sometime in the 50's and are small, 2 bedroom, 1 bath homes.  A lot of the neighbors have added on to their houses for one reason or another. We have not.  I think our house is still in its original packaging.

When the houses were built they included a 1 car garage.  That was ok because most people had only one car in those days. (There may have been a horse and buggy or two but I can't be certain.)  :-)   I'm pretty sure this neighborhood was built as temporary off-site housing for the marine base right around the corner so I think the builders felt that there was no need for elaboration or extra expense.  (Gee thanks guys!)  

Our driveway is narrow and not terribly long.  So when the street sweeper is due to make his rounds, I need to be sure that I remember to park in our driveway, nose to ass with my husband's car.  Thank goodness I have a small car.  I don't know if two big cars would fit in our driveway.  Maybe if we opened the garage door and drove into all our extra crap that's stored in there; yeah, that could work!

So I either squeeze my car into the driveway, lightly tapping the bumper of my husbands car, park on my front lawn or get a ticket for parking in the street. Needless to say, I squeeze.  Not that I would necessarily mind parking in the middle of my front yard but I have learned from the street sweepers sidekick, the man who wields the ticket book, that parking there is a definite no-no. So, a ticket for parking in the street or a ticket for parking in my front yard. Aargh!

Unfortunately for me the street sweeper heads down my side of the street first.  So if I forgot to park in the driveway, I have to madly scramble to get my car moved in time.  There have been a few times when I've gone out less than appropriately dressed in order to beat the sweeper.  (So sorry innocent neighbors--such a disturbing sight, I know!)  And I think we must be first or second on the list because he always comes early in the morning. It's good for the folks on the other side of the street; they have plenty of warning.  Not fair.  He should switch things up and go down their side first and give us fair warning.  Sheesh!!

I've been ticketed only a few times in all the years I've lived here.  Not bad, I guess.  But I have resented paying every time.  And the last time wasn't cheap.  I think I had to pay around $60.  Yikes!  Just for parking in front of my own house.  Really?  That's just wrong! 

Can't the sweeper just go around me and continue on? Well, that is what he does but then there's the sidekick to deal with.  He doesn't just go around and move on.  Oh no.  He stops and hands out tickets. Butthead.  
(I know, I know, he's just doing his job.  I don't care.  It's a stupid job.)  

So twice a month we get our street swept.  Not all of our street, just the sides. Apparently nobody cares about the middle of the street.  I wonder why. Does crap know better than to gather in the middle of the street? Maybe.  All I know for sure is that I don't like having to remember to move my car to avoid an ugly ticket.  And as I've said before (I think), my memory is but a shadow of its former self.

So to the street sweeper, his sidekick and the city who created them to make my life a little less comfortable than it ought to be, I say BITE ME!

CONGRESS

Hey there sagacious reader. I'll be the first to admit that it's been a while since I've watched the news (so depressing!) and am not exactly current on the mysterious workings of the government. So I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.  Government employees don't get to work until the budget is passed. And they don't get paid for their (involuntary) time off work.  (Well, now that's fair - can I sue Congress for lost wages?) 

There seems to be a lot of back and forth regarding national health care coverage, aka Obamacare. Well, what's new?  (Oh, I know, the name!) This issue has come up again and again over the years.  I think maybe the "people" are interested in some solution to their health care problems. Apparently the democrats are all for it which automatically means that the republicans are all against it. (Surprise!)  And the rest of us suffer.

The bickering between these two parties is never ending. It's like the Hatfields and McCoys have moved to Washington and taken over.  Will the fighting never end? Probably not.  It's bad enough being the laughing stock of the entire world.  (I understand that most countries have national health care coverage and have for years and are managing just fine, thank you.)  But shutting down government?  Really?  That's the best solution they could come up with?  Be that as it may (and surely is) is it really necessary to shut down while these two (parties) duke it out trying to come up with a budget that will please everyone?  Like that's ever going to happen.  Give and take, that's the way the system has always functioned.  Sometimes it works better than others.

Well here's my view on give and take.  Give the government workers their jobs and paychecks; Take the paychecks away from the members of Congress until they get the job done.  Perhaps even dock them a weeks pay for every day that goes by without progress.  (The 27th amendment be damned!) There. Plain and simple.  Let those lofty folk work without getting paid.  Maybe that will motivate em.   Give them the incentive needed to get their asses moving, pass a budget and get us poor folk back to work.  

I have heard that one or two representatives commented on how the 'government worker' should have foreseen this possible situation and set some money aside.  Really?  I would appreciate said representative explaining to me how a family of 4, earning around $35,000 a year is supposed to be able to set money aside.  After paying for housing, food, gasoline, and other frivolous items such as food, there may be a dollar or two left over.  How remiss of us not to set that dollar aside!   

Just because the people in congress make a butt-load of money (around $174,000 annually) doesn't mean that all government workers earn that much (I wish).  Some representatives have been quoted as saying they couldn't do without their monthly pay; they needed the money.  Oh, boohoo; cry me a river. I just wish I could keep whatever part of my taxes goes to paying these people.

So while me and mine are waiting for Congress to get their heads out of their asses and get us back to work so we can pay our bills ('cause someones got to pay em), I have only one thing to say to that august body.  And that is a very well-deserved, heart-felt and adamant BITE ME! 

CAMPING

Hey there sagacious reader.  I wonder, are there any campers out there? Happy campers?  I think I might have been one waaay back in the day. Before I got old and cranky!  Or at least as close to one as I'll ever be.  But I do enjoy the beauty of the great outdoors; the fresh air redolent with the scent of wildlife, the quiet whisper of the wind in the trees, the soft murmur of the water rushing in the streams.  Ah nature, so peaceful, so relaxing.

As a child, I don't remember ever camping with my family. (I know, I know, my memory is shot, but still...)  When we went on vacation we pretty much stuck to civilization. Motels and such on the way to our destination which was always the same.  The Rocky Mountains.  Seems like a camping destination doesn't it?  Ironically, we stayed in a log cabin on my grandparents ranch.  A large, 6 bedroom, 2 bath ranch house of a log cabin.  Very civilized.  At least by the standards of the day. (No TV for the longest time, yikes!)

I do remember one summer evening going with my sisters and some friends out on the ranch to camp for the night. Our (male, of course) cousins came up with the bright idea and talked us into joining them.  I was a bit of a (naive) youngster then and it sounded like fun. And for a while it was. Setting up the tent, making it all cozy with our sleeping bags. Laughing by the campfire.  But when it was time for sleep, things weren't so much fun anymore. Damn, it was cold!  And the ground was hard!  I think I was awake, shivering most of that (long, long) night. Trying not to move 'cause moving let in the cold which promptly sucked all the warmth out of me and my sleeping bag.  That was not good.  Not good at all. I didn't much enjoy it and had no interest in repeating the experience.

Many, many years passed.  Much like child birth, I forgot how painful the experience was so tried again.  That trip was much better.  I was (somewhat) older and (a little bit) wiser and better equipped to deal with the cold nights and hard ground. Being properly prepared for camping can make all the difference.  Not to mention being young and agile enough (I was in my early 20's) to deal with all the hassles.  Though this experience was better than my first, it was still nothing I was excited about repeating.

More years passed.  I got married and had children.  (Why, I still haven't quite figured out--the children part, anyway)  :-)   As money was tight back then, all of our trips included lots of camping with a motel stop here and there to break things up.  Not to mention how lovely it was to take a shower and sleep in a real bed every now and again.  And a chance to eat out!  Not having to cook in the style of my great, great grandparents.  What a treat that was!  

We always planned our trips to stay in National Parks and Monuments or State Parks.  Many of the places we visited were only easily accessible by camping. That was cool. Kept the crowds down.  Neither my husband nor I cared for crowds. That being said, the majority of the people who were our 'campmates' were friendly and good spirited as such people are.  I mean, if you're in a National Park camping, odds are that you are on vacation, right? And who is grumpy when on vacation?  That usually happens on the drive home when your work week is looming and the reality of it slaps you in the face.  

Our first several years of camping we tooled around in a 1978 VW camper van. That was ok.  Made the camping experience much better.  We (I) would carefully select our camping site and my husband would level the van, pop the top and voila!  Done. The cooking gear was all ready stored in the cabinets as was the 'dry' food staples.  The van had a sink and a two-burner stove and could sleep 4 comfortably (somewhat).  Life was easier in the van.

Then my husband decided tent camping was the way to go.  I didn't necessarily agree but there it is.  Tent camping it was.  And life was never quite the same after that.  Camping can be a whole lot of work and the older I got the harder the work seemed to get. Not only was there more work to be done (I hate work) but everything became much more complicated.  Nothing, and I mean nothing was easy.  Even the air mattress which I insisted on-- these old bones were not going to lie on the hard ground; no way, not going to happen--came with its own set of problems. Cooking was a pain in the ass, cleaning up the mess was a pain in the ass, getting dressed was a pain in the ass, trying to keep from smelling like something that died the previous week was a pain in the ass, even going to the bathroom.  Everything!  Now, doesn't camping sound like fun?

Well, what can I say.  Camping, so many 'bite me' moments, so little time.
So for now I give you an overview of my camping experience.  There are many, many more moments to share but I will leave you now with this: Camping is not for the faint-hearted, the infirm or the elderly (unless you have a really nice motor home).  But to tent camping in and of itself, I say a somewhat gentle BITE ME!

THE BLACK CLOUD

Hey there sagacious reader.  Do you ever have the feeling that you are living under a black cloud?  That no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can never escape its shadow?  Well, my entire family is constantly under that very cloud.  Sometimes there is a 'partial clearing' and sometimes there is a 'torrential downpour'. Every once in a great while, and for a limited time only, there is sunshine. But this particular black cloud has a will of its own and hovers over whomever it deems worthy at the time. 

This phenomenon travels around the country stopping here and there to torment one family member or another. From the corn fields of the Midwest to the Pacific ocean and even to the Florida keys, it roams.  Seeking us out; toying with us. We are its personal play thing and like a spoiled child, it has no intention of letting go of its favorite toy - us!  And no matter where we may shelter, it finds us.  And gets its revenge.  I think it's alive; on a seek and destroy mission!  I don't know why. Personally, I think we're a bunch of swell people.  Most of us anyway.  But it shows no particular preference. Just goes after whoevers life is the brightest.  As soon as one of us is able to bask in the sunshine, another will run into troubles of one kind or another.

sheesh - zapped again

What the hell's up with that?  I think it may be a case of "the sins of the father" passed on, etc. So somewhere on our family tree there was a really bad seed.  And that seed fell on fertile ground and grew some nasty roots!  It's created havoc for all of us future generations.  (Gee, thanks ancient, unknown relative.) I wonder how long it will take to lift the "curse" of the black cloud.  How many generations must be sacrificed before it dissipates.  Hard to say. Guess it depends on the severity of the 'crime' of our 'bad seed' ancestor (jerk).  Any thoughts, oh sagacious ones? 

It would be nice to live without being zapped at the worst possible moments.  To enjoy life without waiting for the other shoe to drop.  To get out from under the black cloud. To live like normal people, even if the word normal doesn't quite fit us. We are, as a family, uniquely normal in our own way. Perhaps on the far end of normal but normal none the less. Just ask any of us.   

So there it is. We are constantly chased by our own (diabolical) personal black cloud.  And it is relentless.  And pissed off. And I don't think it's going anywhere anytime soon. Obviously it's the price we pay for -- for what?  Don't know. And the 'bad seed' ain't talkin. 

And to this nasty black cloud that persecutes me and mine and to any black clouds that may be hovering over you and yours with evil intentions in mind, I say BITE ME!

FLEAS

Hey there sagacious reader.  I like to think that all creatures have some purpose in life even if it is only as part of the food chain.  I mean we all have to eat!  

Lots of critters help with the environment by pollinating and thereby propagating plant life.  Some help fortify our soil.  Others keep different species in check so we aren't overrun by say June bugs.  (Yuck)  But fleas?

Fleas have no discernible value; no reason for being. Other than as a blight on my cats' lives and subsequently, mine.  Maybe something (other then my pets) eats them thereby making them somewhat beneficial, but I don't know. What I do know is that when my cats eat them they end up with a bad case of worms.  Really?  How rude is that?  Instead of being a food source for my cats, which is exactly what the nasty little fleas deserve for jumping (uninvited and unwanted) on them and biting them mercilessly, the flea instead carries some kind of worm "cootie" that leaves the cats spitting fluffy white rice pellets out of their asses!  Those 'particles' would be worm segments that only resemble white rice but (I'm sure) aren't nearly as tasty.
Tapeworm.  Gee, thanks a lot flea.

Now my cats have worms.  Oh yay.  A trip to the vet for shots, listening to the cats yowl all the way. That sounds like fun.  Or buy the pills and stuff em down their throats.  Even more fun.  Trust me, if you haven't had the pleasure of feeding pills to a cat, you are missing out! Cats aren't like dogs. You can't just coat the pills in something tasty, like peanut butter (amusing) or a piece of lunch meat, and offer em up as a treat.  Dogs are all over that. Slurrp, gone.  It's that easy. Cats? Not so much. At least not mine.

Last time my cat, Zack, had worms it took me a while to get the pills down him. He, of course, required 2 pills (stupid cat - love you).  The first one wasn't too bad.  I was able to sneak it in amid pets before he knew what was happening. Ah, one down, one to go.  Well, he was having none of that. I couldn't get within 6 feet of him for about an hour.  I felt a bit like public enemy #1 the way he way eyeing me whenever I came in a room.  I was finally able to corner him in my bedroom closet.  After about 5 or 6 gooey attempts, success was mine!  I tried not to think too much about the pill slime glued to my hand.  I'm pretty sure I got at least two thirds of it down Zack.  Typically cat, he didn't understand that the pills would make him feel better.  But being infested with worms?  How good can it feel to have worms living in your intestines, squirming around hungrily, helping themselves to whatever you've eaten until you poop em out?  Or at least parts of em. 


But to him, I'm sure the cure felt pretty much like torture. Imagine being held down and having something seriously gross-tasting shoved down your throat. And then being forced to swallow it!  Not nice. Not nice at all. I commiserate, Zack.  But it had to be done.

So.  Worms.  Fleas and worms.  I guess I'll have to make the big decision. 'Yowling cats' car trip, hmm.  Stuffing pills down uncooperative throats, hmm.  Choices, choices.  Stupid fleas.  What the hell good are they?  To fleas everywhere who bite my pets and yours, who carry a multitude of nastiness (worms included) I can only say, back at ya and BITE ME!

THE CARPOOL LANE

Hey there sagacious reader.  Here, in my part of the world, we have what are called Carpool lanes.  The purpose of these lanes is to alleviate traffic on our overcrowded freeways especially during 'rush hour'.  The problem being that here in Southern California 'rush hour' usually runs from around 6 in the morning until 7:30 or so at night. Be that as it may, the basic idea behind these lanes is a good one, encouraging people to take just one car instead of two or possibly three, thus reducing traffic as well as air pollution. 

So if you don't mind sharing a ride with other folks, you are rewarded with your own lane.  This allows you the pleasure of speeding by the other cars, those 'solo' drivers who are stuck crawling along at a snails pace; and the satisfaction of knowing that you are in some small way helping the world and getting to wherever you are going faster.  What a great idea, right?

For the most part, these lanes have intervals where you can "legally" enter or exit the lane as needed. These intervals consist of the 'dotted lines' that you would find on any road.  When entering or exiting is prohibited, double yellow lines will let the driver know this in no uncertain terms.  Always assuming, of course, that the driver is not an idiot.

I recently got back from a camping trip (yikes!) with my family in which we traveled through most of L.A. using the carpool lane.  I will admit, I didn't feel right about that even though there were four of us in the car.  We were going to the same place, yes; but we wouldn't have driven two cars to get there. No way, no how, wasn't going to happen.  So to me that was kind of cheating. But since we were following the 'letter' of the law (if not the intent), I was overruled.  That is an argument I have yet to win.

At one point, somewhere in L.A. (to me, everything north of Orange County and south of Magic Mountain is L.A.) an older model Toyota zipped into the Carpool lane in front of us.  Can't say as I blame the driver; her lane was at a dead stop.  But still, she was alone and was not supposed to have access to the Carpool lane.  I felt slightly miffed.  I think I wanted to take the guilt I felt for traveling in that lane and put it on someone who deserved it more. How adult of me, right?  However, she did enter illegally (across double yellow lines) which is a no-no; and she was alone which was an even bigger no-no.  I guess she really didn't want to wait.  Must of been in a big hurry cuz by doing what she did, she was looking at the possibility of a moving violation as well as a hefty fine.  Minimum fine for driving solo in the Carpool lane here in California will cost ya $481.00.  Think about that!  (Crazy lady) 

Anyway, a mile or so further on I noticed (as did she) a Highway Patrol car stopped in the center divide right next to our lane.  So close I could have reached out and touched him.  (Well maybe not that close.) The officer had just finished up with something and was moving toward his car.  I was kind of hoping that he would look up and see the lady (riding solo) in front of us and go get her (sorry, ma'am) and thus justice would be served.  But no. (damn) 

Just at the very moment we passed in our 4-Runner, he glanced up from his clipboard and stared right at us. Thankfully we were obeying all traffic laws. But one second earlier and "she" would have been the object of his scrutiny. Timing, apparently, is everything. 

I glanced back as we passed him then looked forward to see the lady in the Toyota swerve quickly out of the Carpool lane and back into regular traffic, once again crossing double yellow lines.  And seeing how traffic in that lane was barely moving, it's a miracle she made it over without hitting anyone. Wow, such balls!  As we passed her, I noticed her head cranked around at an uncomfortable angle staring back.  I'm sure she was trying to see if the cop had spotted her less-than-legal moves.  I think that if we hadn't been where we were (stupid SUV), he would have seen her.  But our (huge) car blocked his view. (Again, damn) Petulant of me, I know; but there it is.  I just hate it when people get away with that kind of crap.  Unless, of course, it's me  :-)

That was the last I saw of the lady in the Toyota. I'm sure she made it safely to her destination and I would be willing to bet that she drove the rest of the way sans the use of the Carpool lane.  To her I say, You are one lucky lady. In future, when alone, stay out of the Carpool lane.     I mean, really, the sign couldn't be any more clear.

And to all those other 'solo' drivers who dip in and out of the Carpool lane, in willful disregard of the law; and to those who impatiently zip in and out, illegally crossing double yellow lines in their hurry to get ahead of everyone else, I say BITE ME! 

THE ROAD TRIP

Hey there sagacious reader.  For me there are basically two types of road trips.  And they couldn't be more different.  For example, there is the trip that is taken at a leisurely pace:  stopping here and there, checking out historical sites or points of interest; a destination in mind, yes, but in no particular hurry to get there. Ah, sooo relaxing.  Just cruising along, taking time to stop and smell the flowers along the way.  Very stress-free. Back in the day we had an old VW camper van so we drove the back roads mostly. We couldn't really go fast anyway so we figured what the heck?  The up side is that you get to see lots more cool stuff on the back roads.  And there's less traffic too, so no horrible traffic jams, no 'me-first' drivers cutting in and out of the lanes.  Just peace and quiet.  (If you ignore the squabbling kids in the back seat.)

These types of trips were 'the norm' when taking a family vacation with my husband and our kids.  And our dogs, too.  These happy vacations were mostly camping trips so of course our dogs were invited. They had the best time cruising along, hanging their heads out the windows, gums flapping in the wind, slobber trailing out behind them.  I don't know which they enjoyed more, the ride or the camping. I just know that they loved it and probably got more enjoyment out of the camping part than I did!  

And having the dogs along for the ride also meant a lot more stops.  At least kids (somewhat) understand the meaning of "Can you hold it?  We'll stop soon." Dogs, not so much.  We always knew we were in for the long, slow haul so chose the scenic route to get there. Why not?  But, all in all, I did enjoy those trips with my family. They hold good memories.  No 'bite me' moments here.



Then their is the other type of road trip.  The one I like to call the 'hurry up and get there' trip.  There is no time for unnecessary stops, no patience for cruising along slowly enjoying the view. Uh-uh.  Not happening.  Just jump in the car, strap on the belt, pedal to the metal; next stop:  My Destination.  I am usually alone on these trips but not always.

Most people would say I am fortunate to have family living in Las Vegas and I suppose I am.  I pretty much grew up there so the town does not hold the same appeal for me as it does most people.  But I do like to visit as often as I can.  And when I do visit, I like to get there as quickly as possible. When I am driving on my own, I can take the usual 5 to 5 1/2 hour trip and turn it into a 4 to 4 1/2 hour trip depending on traffic. That's because I don't mess around.  It's just "Get out of my way, people, here I come!"  Ya see? Hurry up and get there.  

I try to cut back on my coffee intake in the morning so I don't have to make a pit stop though this rarely works. Most times I only make it about 20 miles or so before I have to stop (damn). I have my favorite place all scoped out.  I always stop there on my way to Vegas and use the 'facilities' and then make myself a yummy coffee creation.  I figure I deserve the treat and since I all ready had to stop, I should be good the rest of the way.  And it's worked out so far.  Although one time it was a very close call.  I could barely walk when I arrived.  Yikes!

Anyway, I like to barrel along the 15 and only allow myself to drive 5 miles or so over the speed limit.  And let me tell you, that's not easy!  But I don't want a speeding ticket.  I'll leave that for the other guy.  The one going 90 or better.  (In my heart I'm right there with em, but in reality and on the road I'm more sedate.)  Not only do I not want to pay whatever a ticket costs these days or have it mess with my driving record but I don't want to waste my time.  Again, it's that hurry up and get there thing.

Now, if you're not familiar with traveling the I15, I'll just say that there is a long section of road between Barstow and Baker that has only two traffic lanes each way (bummer).  The Highway 'Powers-That-Be' have been working on widening this road for years and I may still be alive by the time it's actually finished.  I don't know; I wouldn't bet on it.  

Most times these two lanes flow along haphazardly with gaps in the traffic here and all bunched up there.  Makes about as much sense as a rose-scented fart. But there it is. Another of life's little mysteries.

The most annoying thing about this section of the freeway is that invariably there will be some idiot who does not have the good sense to get the hell out of the way.  You know, the driver who thinks that it's ok to move into the left lane because he is going maybe a half mile an hour faster than the driver in the right lane.  Really?  Doesn't he see all the traffic building behind him? Can't he go just a hair faster to get by the slower (just barely) driver and move back over? Does he not feel the kiss of the bumper from behind? Do pigs fly?  The answer to all is NO. Obviously not. At times like this I wish I was driving a tank. That would take care of the problem quite nicely! 

But the absolute worst part is even when I manage to finally get by that particular obstacle (asshole) there's another looming ahead.  And the whole, ugly process repeats itself.  It begs the question, Who made these people?

Personally, I know how to drive right; fast and furious.  (Having a dad who was a race car driver certainly didn't hurt.)  The thing to do is speed up.  As much as it takes, whatever it takes; then move over.  And if you must, slow back down.  Simple.  Keeps things flowing smoothly.  And you don't have a bunch of angry people trailing behind you.  And in the end, makes for a much better road trip.

But to those people who do not know how to drive properly on the freeway; who do not know when to get out of the way and stay out of the way; who leave all the other drivers with no (legal) choice but to meekly follow behind, I say BITE ME! 

A COSTCO SHOPPER

Hey there sagacious reader.  I don't know about you but I do a lot of my 'bulk' shopping at Costco.  I think it's more cost effective than buying the same items at regular stores and I don't have to buy them as frequently. And that works for me! Shopping has never really been one of my favorite things to do. I know that's a bit unusual but there it is.

On a recent trip to Costco I had more stuff to get than usual.  My fault.  I let things slide; putting off til tomorrow what I didn't want to do today sort of thing.  So I had a full shopping cart that I was maneuvering as best I could. And it was actually a decent cart - didn't make left hand turns on its own as some tend to do.  No wobbly wheels either.  And quiet!  But it was heavy.

One of my favorite parts of Costco shopping is the "free" lunch that's available.  I try to plan my trips so that I can take advantage of all the yummy offerings that are provided. Sometimes I actually buy the products that are being demonstrated. Depends on how hungry I am as well as how tasty they are.

The 'munchies' run the gamut from breakfast through lunch and dinner and sometimes (if I'm lucky) even dessert!  If I find an item particularly tasty, I will admit that I have been known to circle around and approach the same station from a different angle.  I like to think that this confuses the worker in charge and that they won't recognize or remember me.  I do have this niggling fear of being singled out (loudly & repeatedly) and scolded for snagging more than my fair share of whichever goody had me sneaking around for more.  I am happy to report - So far, so good.

So, on this particular trip, as I am pushing my cart along the refrigerated aisle, I spy a small line forming in front of a station displaying a really delicious looking (and new to the store) chicken burrito.  I contemplate the line (not too many people ahead of me); check out my cart for perishable (all good there); decide I have time, nothing in my cart that can't wait; and start to move closer.  I am definitely interested in trying this new item.  It looks good, smells good, and I'm hungry!

Then, just as the lady was putting the tray of burrito samples down for us patiently-waiting shoppers to enjoy, a woman comes barreling over and scoops up a sample. Just like that.  No waiting in line for this particular shopper. Uh-uh. No direct eye contact with anyone who was waiting in line either.  Just moves up, bold as you please, snags a treat and thunders off. Ballsy move.  And rude.  Yep, definitely rude.  

None of us were going to challenge her though.  She was a large woman. And kind of scary looking in a hardened, 'I kill people for a living' sort of way. I'm not even sure she was a real shopper.  She had no shopping cart and no items in hand.  I don't know. Maybe she was just there for the free food. Or on some kind of secret mission - maybe as a "Mystery Sampler". Or maybe she was there to take someone out.  If so, I'm just glad it wasn't me!

Now that I'm home and out of (possible) harms way, I would like to declare to that woman who so rudely forced her way in and snatched what should have been my delicious burrito sample, BITE ME!

MASTERCHEF

READER BEWARE - RANTING AHEAD

Hey there sagacious reader.  I considered long and hard about airing my rather heated opinion on the latest episode of MasterChef.  But then I figured, what the heck.  You don't have to read it.  And if you do read this and for some odd reason disagree with me, well, I will never know.  Ah, the beauty of blogging.

So in going forth I will just presume that since you are such an intelligent, educated, fair-minded and savvy group, you will be in total agreement with my (righteous) assessment of the complete and utter disappointment that was MasterChef. 

Just the way that whole thing came down; the inherent wrongness of it; I CRY FOUL!!  Shame on those three judges.  Personally I see them as the 3 F's.  I shall give you partials, and you, smart readers that you are, can fill in the rest.  (I have extreme confidence in your abilities.)

First we have the bald f...   Then we have the fat f...   And last (but not least) we have the foreign f...    So now we know where we're at, right?  

So I would ask those three, "What the hell's the matter with you? How can you be so unfair to one of your home cooks and yet coddle others who, I might add, are completely undeserving?  I don't get it. Nope.  Not at all.  So wrong!  Shame, shame, shame.  Don't you watch the footage?  Do you see (and hear) what we do?  Are you crazy?  Not playing with a full deck?  I just don't understand your decision and I don't trust your judgement anymore. 

James should not have been sent home. At least not then. Not that way. Those 3 F's pretty much stole his win right out from under him.  

Hey, James, congratulations, you've made it into the top 4.  Er, just kidding. We can't possibly send either of these two delightful (gag, gag, barf) ladies home when they cooked their little hearts out now can we? They did such a fine job we just can't decide who to send home.  You understand, right? So we'll just negate the whole 'winning' thing.  Have a do-over, ok?   Aargh! Where's the justice?  Where's the fairness.  I know, I know.  In a perfect world, maybe. But not this one.  And definitely not this show.

Ah, I have been informed that due to the litigious nature of our society, my freedom of speech is not as free as it once was.  So this is not the blistering diatribe I had originally intended (and still feel) but rather a watered down version.  So sad.  But I'm sure you get the drift.  You, I have faith in.

Thank you, my readers, for indulging me.  I feel much so better now.   :-)

But, to the 3 who made (in my not-so-humble opinion) an egregious error in judgement, I must shout out a most vehement BITE ME!

THE ERRANT SHOPPING CART

Hey there sagacious reader.  I have often wondered about all the shopping carts that are left willy-nilly around parking lots and sometimes even inside stores.  I have my ideas on what's behind this mystery as I'm sure you do.

I find the ones left abandoned inside grocery stores the most perplexing. Where are the people who propelled them to their current location?  It could be the produce department, the bakery, or down the canned soup aisle. Apparently there is no rhyme or reason to the abandonment of shopping carts. 

One day while grocery shopping I came upon a cart with a few "goodies" in it sitting smack dab in the middle of the bread aisle.  I could tell by its contents that it wasn't waiting to be 'restocked', and there were no employees in the immediate area.  In fact there was no one in that aisle except me. And yet there it sat, right in the middle of the aisle. All alone; forlorn, forgotten.  Curious.  I took my time perusing the many different baked goods on display keeping an eye out for whoever may come to claim it.  I stole surreptitious glances at the cart taking special note of the dairy products and fresh veggies that it contained.  I don't know about you but I wouldn't leave my perishables hanging around for long unless I absolutely had to.  (An emergency trip to the bathroom comes to mind.)  My curiosity was piqued.  

I must have spent a good 5 minutes or so in that aisle.  Still, no one came. For me, time was up.  After all I still had my shopping to do.  I moved on.  A little while later, on my way to check out, I passed by that aisle.  The cart was still there.  Wow, really?  So much for those dairy products.  By that time they had surely warmed to room temperature and were ready for the trash (at least I hope so).  

I still wonder about the original operator of that cart.  What happened? Was the checkbook left at home?  No cash or credit cards?  Forgotten coupons? Alien abduction?  Who knows.


On to the shopping carts abandoned in parking lots that I find most irritating. Now I know I'm old and cranky but I can't see any legitimate reason for people not returning their carts to the cart return corrals provided or if none are provided, returning them to the store.  (Whew, that was a really long sentence; I'm exhausted!)

I have seen people load their groceries or what-nots into their cars and then leave their carts right there in the parking space.  Really?  You can't walk the 10 feet or so to the corral and put your cart there?  Afraid you might lose a pound or two?  Most of the people I've seen would benefit from the exercise. (Listen, can you hear it?  ... Moo)  How lazy can you be?  I return my carts all the time, even in the rain, and I'm one of the laziest people I know. (Don't tell anyone, ok? It's a well-kept secret.)


The absolute worst thing is when you're in the parking lot of a busy store where finding a place to park is difficult to begin with and you see what you think is an available space. Then, just as you're congratulating yourself on your good luck, you find a stupid shopping cart parked right in the middle of your spot. Aargh! I hate that.  I suppose if you drive a clunker you might consider using your car to shove the offending cart out of your way. But most of us choose not to go that route.  

And if you're alone, just getting out of your car to move the shopping cart is a pain in the ass.  You can decide to be nice and pull up and over to the side thus allowing all the other cars hunting for spaces room to go around you. But if you do this, beware!  Because as soon as you get out of your car and move the cart out of the way, some jerk will invariably take this as an invitation to park there. It won't matter one whit that you were obviously moving the cart so you could park.  People are like that. Most of em can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground. 

A few people do leave their cart somewhat out of the way, parking it to the side of the parking space instead of smack dab in the middle, giving you enough room to squeeze into the spot. Whether or not you will be able to open your door, well, that's not their problem, is it?  After all, what's another door ding or two?  (Buttheads)

In closing, I say to those who abandon their goodie-laden shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores, What happened?  Where are you?  And to those who litter parking lots with the carts they are either too self-centered or too lazy to properly return, I say BITE ME!